Little do they know that I already can walk, it's just that walking requires more effort than having them carry me around everywhere. I know that in olden days, the rich do not have to walk, they get their servants to carry them to places. Since I don't have no servants, I just make do with my daddy and mummy.
Auntie Big Foot is trying to snap a picture of my mummy and I. Basket. I'm trying to eat ok, stop snapping pictures of us.
Everytime you snap picture of me, I'll have to look at you and pose and that takes time - time off my meal times (which happen to be my favourite times of the day).
I'm serious Auntie Big Foot. Buzz off and snap pictures of the construction workers instead. Go go go.....
Guess where I am. Can't guess can you, dummy?
Alright alright, I'm sitting pretty at a ticketing agency. My daddy and mummy are buying tickets for us to go to Melbourne. I'm gonna be a real good girl, sit pretty and eat my yummy rice cake while they go do their job.
Look how keen I am about going to Melbourne? I'm wearing this Melbourne top.
I wonder where on earth is Melbourne. Does Melbourne have plenty of yummy food? Are the food there as delicious as this yummy japanese rice cake that Suki's mummy gave me?
Crap. Just overheard daddy telling the counter guy that he wants business class seats for 2 and a bassinet for me!!! How dare he get me a crappy bassinet while he gets to sit on a proper seat.
Call the Baby Abuse Bureau please!!!!
Call the Baby Abuse Bureau please!!!!
Crap. All I'm getting is a bassinet. Basket. I don't even sleep in a bassinet here. I don't wanna go Melbourne anymore. I rather sleep in my cot.
As you can see, Auntie Big Foot is definitely not very happy as Uncle Rumpel is paying more attention to me than her.
What to do? When you have reached your best by date, you have reached your best by date. Just face reality early Auntie Big Foot and you won't feel so hurt.
What's this Uncle Rumpel trying to do? He's holding me all wrong. I don't like being held by my armpit, it hurts.
If he holds me like this any longer, I'm gonna head butt him on his chin and see if he continues smiling his ditzy smile.
Shit. Just remembered Uncle Rumpel is carrying me so not too wise to head butt him. He's so weak, I'm sure he'll drop me if I head butt him.
I better just bear it whilst I'm still being carried by him. No point going against myself. I'm a smart kid afterall.
Yippeee. Uncle Rumpel just gave me his mobile phone just cos I gave him a smile. What a sucker. Imagine if I gave him a laugh, he'd probably give me his wife.
On 2nd thoughts, that's not a very good idea. Uncle Rumpel can keep Auntie Big Foot forever. Better still, hide her away and lock her up. It's better for everyone in the world.
What's this joker trying to do now?!! Uncle!!! I know you just went for a head massage but that doesn't mean you are a qualified head masseuse. Don't use me as a guinea pig. What if you press wrongly then I become as dumb as Skinny????
Let go of my head.....let go.
Let go of my head.....let go.
Basket. This uncle really irritating. If he doesn't stop massaging my head, I'm gonna sock him with his handphone. Don't play play.
Ok, now he's finally let go of my head. But what is he up to next???? HOLY COW...where are my daddy and mummy?????!!!!!
I'm chilling in my car. Notice the handphone. It's not mine. If I can only figure out now how to wind down the window, you gonna see a flying phone.
Damn, they took the phone away.
Just give me back the phone mister. Forget your cheezy smile, it's not worth much to me. Only suckers like Auntie Big Foot fall for that stuff.
I just picked my nose, both nostrils. Then I rubbed my fingers on the dirty table just now. You wanna kiss my hand? Go ahead, be my guest.
I'm hanging onto my favorite mattress. When I grow a little more it's gonna be mine. So I need to keep watch instead someone steals it.
What you looking at? Never seen a baby guarding a mattress before?
I wonder if the dimensions are right for me. Sure it is quite suitable right now? But what about in a couple months time? Will I be too big for it? I think I need to upgrade to Queen size just in case. I need to inform daddy later on.
Still protecting my mattress. I spend a good portion of my day every day doing this. Maybe I should apply for security guard job during the summer. I'm fully qualified.
I told you before. Buzz off. Can't you see I'm busy. It's not easy to guard a mattress ok? It takes a combination of commitment and physical strength.
You play play with me is it. I didn't tell you this before, but my mattress doubles up as my secret weapon. I figure how to lift it over my head and smack people on the head with my mattress. You wanna demo? Bend over and see a powerful baby (+ mattress) give you an ass whooping.
Maybe I exaggerated a little. I can't quite lift up my mattress yet. Just give me a few months though. Then you watch out.
I'm sorta smiling but really I'm not. It's my warning signal before I start hitting things. I call it my crazy look. Anytime anyone comes near my mattress I just get this crazy urge to whack them. I'm like a pit bull terrier guarding a fence.
Time for a break. I think my mattress safe for now. Plus my legs aching from all the standing. Where is my tiger balm? I need a quick massage before resuming my duties.
I'm not sleeping on the job. I'm just showing my affection for my mattress. It's a trick. Anyone comes close and I will suddenly come awake and whack them with my double tiger fist claw dragon style praying mantis technique.
Mattress safe. Time for a refreshment. Damn, where is the red bull I ordered? I need to replenish my energy fast. Instead I get boiled water. What's going on? Cost cutting?
Darn I'm tired. I need the red bull. Water not enough to go on with my duties. Maybe I can stop for the day. I need a rest. I'm calling it a day.
In case you wondering yes I am in a good mood. I'm drinking my regular combo of vodka (from daddy's stores) and water. I feel great. Even when the stroller not moving, I feel like I'm moving. ha ha.
Hey dude? What you staring at? I'm drinking water ok? Just walk along dumbass stranger dude? You lucky you not closer to me within poking distance. I poke you, smack you on the back of the head, put my knee up your crotch and spit on your face (or as us babies like to call it, blowing a raspberry) you joker.
Geylang free lancer caught without the appropriate license to practice "go go massage". Oh shoot sorry it's you Auntie Big Foot! Why you covering your face? Plus your hands not big enough to cover you face. Your face too big. I think you need to sit down and use your feet to cover your face.
Would I look better as a redhead? Having brown hair is getting a bit boring. Or maybe blond? Why not right?
Auntie, Auntie don't sulk. I really didn't know it was you? With your bad perm and slouching posture anyone could mistake you for a "massage lady". I'm just a baby. Give me a break.
Hey hey. Enough is enough. Why you pretending to knee me. I told you before I didn't mean to insult you. But I tell you what. If you don't move your freaken knee right now, I'm gonna give you TWO knees, one on each of your boobies. Then I'm gonna grab your hair and spin you like a yoyo and finally I'm gonna roll you like a sushi and boot your ass. Now get your knee away Auntie!
This Uncle always has this expression. I suspect maybe he did botox and that's why his face never changes. Either that or Auntie Big Foot married a cardboard cutout.
Daddy and me. He is really strong. Mummy always moans and complains when she carries me. Daddy just needs one arm (his amphidextorous so either right or left) to carry me. It's much safer for a baby to be carried by Daddy. As for Auntie Big Foot, forget it. Her arms so floppy even just the thought of getting carried by her makes me feel uneasy.
Daddy thinking of buying me a dog. Maybe then the dog and I can share the mattress guarding duties.
Mummy on the phone. That's her favorite activity. Before she had a real phone, daddy told me she used to get plastic cups and string and talk to a friend using that. Mummy has a phone addiction.
She promised to guard my mattress while I took a break. Obviously though she not doing her job right. Talking on the phone again as you can see.
And again. And again. What if robber comes for my mattress? I sleep on the floor is it? NO way. I'm gonna boot mummy onto the floor. I'm sleeping with daddy on the big bed.
Daddy looking at computer. So am I. We both very smart. We always looking at computer.
Shit, is this thing supposed to come off? If daddy finds out I broke it I'm in trouble. I know, I get mummy to help. Hey mummy can you come here? I need you to hold something.
No comments:
Post a Comment