Tuesday, June 26 2007

I have a new hairstyle. I went to David Gun's salon. But I was discriminated against. David said he only does celebrities. I told him I have a blog and I'm famous too. But I guess the guy doesn't know how to read or something.

I told him to take his short fat ass and shove it in a dim sum skin. From now on I call him David Shiny since he has shiny head.

Mummy did my hair but she gave me the front fringe. Better than David Gun any day. Ka phewy on Shiny.

Boy I sorta look a bit like fat boy. Maybe my haircut isn't that good after all. What's David Gun number again?

Daddy has a new hair cut. So do I. What you looking at? Ka Phewy.

Daddy doesn't look very on. He's very tired from work lately. The customer is driving him nuts. I've been reducing my crying fits to give him a break. I'm a nice baby.

What was that? Did mummy just give me the bird? What's up with that man? I'm just a baby. I gonna stick my finger back at you. Then you know not to be rude to me and daddy.

I learnt this trick from an ostrich. I don't think mummy can find me. Lately she getting too much lah. She doubled my cleaning duties as Auntie Imelda doesn't come as often anymore.

Auntie Imelda got hustled by the Manila Mafia. So she doesn't come so often as she is in hiding.

Maybe I should tuck my legs in. I don't think mummy would notice, but why take the chance?

Buzz off. I told you I'm hiding. Find your own spot dumbass.

Call me little buddha. I look like a buddha, but only just a tad more adorable looking.

Ok, I shall pretend that I'm a little buddha sitting on a lotus leaf.

*yawn* Damn boring being a buddha. How can a buddha tolerate just sitting there doing nothing everyday.

Maybe I should pretend to be something else. Being a little buddha is tough.

Cleaning as you can see. Maybe I need to go see the Manila Mafia and petition them to give Auntie Imelda a break. Come on lah, she is just a maid, they shake her for what? Manila Mafia are bunch of dummies. They should target kids like Fat Boy. Fat boy has no money either (he is a baby afterall), but they can sell him in America for a tidy profit. Asian is the in thing over there right now. Plus they can't tell the difference between ugly and cute when it comes to Asians.

Me with my amigos. I'm in the middle of giving them all instructions before I take a nap. They do bodyguard duties while I sleep.

Hey, Hippo, look sharp or I will toss your lazy ass off my cot. Sheez. Hard to get good help nowadays.

My scary boss look. Learnt it from daddy. It means basically "don't F**k with me or I break your legs, cut your fingers off, make you eat your own nuts, and then poke you with a stick".

Doing my new exercise. It's called a sit-up. You try to sit up. I'm almost there.

Actually I just tossed one of my buddies by mistake, I'm trying to retrieve the poor guy. I threw the wrong one.

Shouldn't I be in my command center? Why did mummy put me on the bumbo chair. I need to work you know.

Who is this lady? She looks like she just sold her backside for $5. She's turning away in shame.

Oh, it's you Auntie BF. No offense but you sorta look like SH*t. What happenend to you? Big Tummy didn't kick you out, did he? Been sleeping on the street? You do sorta smell.

PS: She the one with fungus, maybe she worried about that.

Can you leave me alone. I'm not a snob but come on lah. You basically a homeless person since your own mummy and daddy kicked you out, and your hubby did the same. Find another place to sleep lady. This is MY house. No room for people with big feet.

Hey calm down. Don't get angry. I'm just being honest. Our place is 1000 sq foot. You have 2 big foot. We only have 998 foot if you stay with us. Cannot lah. I am too squeezed already.

Boy, she gone koo koo. I'm getting scared. Where's daddy?

I better cry. She really scaring me. Look at her face. I can't even smell any alcohol on her. She might throw me soon like a football.

Laugh at what Auntie. You scaring the shit out of me. Let me go. You had your fun. Time for me to get back to ahhh .... cleaning or something.

Monday, June 25 2007

Yo, what are you looking at??? I'm here teaching the Rainbow bear a lesson he won't forget. Dumb bear dared to jump on my head when I was asleep.

Look some more and it will be your turn on the chopping board, buddy.

Oh oh, I didn't mean to strangle him to death. I only wanted to scare him a little. Oh oh...look, you didn't see me strangle Rainbow bear ok???

I'll give you a 50 cents if you keep it a secret for me.

But now that Rainbow bear is dead, who else can I bully when I'm lonely, bored and feel pissed off???

Where's Fat Boy when you need him?

Ah heck the bear lah, heck Fat Boy too lah. I've got a freaking jungle out here man. I've got lots of animals to pick on. ha ha ha

I'm the King of the Jungle or rather the Queen of the Cot.

Don't piss me off or I'll eat you up like how I'm eating Rainbow bear now. I better get rid of the evidence before mummy finds out and beats the crap out of me.

Ate too much I think. Now I feel like doing a poop. Bloody bear...so fat for what, made me eat so much.

Rainbow bear kind of reminds me of Uncle Fat Tummy. To think that Uncle Fat Tummy wanted to be known as Uncle Rumpel. Yeah right. More like Mr RumpEnormous. :P

I'm practising my yoga now. Doing ashtanga yoga. For you dummies who don't know what's that, pay me and I'll tell you what it is.

Joking lah. I was just stretching to reach out for my bottle of water that fell earlier.

I look impressive doing the stretches though right????

I'm just sitting here wondering what the hell my mummy is doing. Sometimes I really wonder what you adults are thinking.

Do you really expect us babies to be happy seeing you guys act like juveniles in front of us???

Look guys, we need you to be matured and sensible in order to look after us properly. Please bear that in mind.

What's up with daddy this time??? Gosh, first I have to deal with mummy and now daddy too???!!!!

Can someone stop my parents from behaving like little kids???

Don't worry. I'm not glaring at you. I'm just thinking.

Yeah, I'm thinking about important stuff.

Do you think I should do a poop now or later???

I'm contemplating something really important. Should I or shouldn't I???

Should I call for Pizza Hut delivery or Macs delivery today????

Waiting for my food to be placed on my tray. The delivery man just came with the food.

Note: Check out my director's chair. Cool isn't it?? I feel really important on this chair. It's so comfy and wide. I'm like a little boss boss.

Crap. What's Auntie Von and mummy doing??? Why are they eating my food???? Hey guys, leave me some.

Basket. I make the orders and they end up eating the food while I get a crappy glass of water. What the *^&* is this??!!!!

Sunday, June 24 2007

I'm trying to look like an enlightened and contented baby. Come closer lah, I'm very cute. Come closer, then I freaken whack you with my new toy, sucker!

My head's a little bit heavy so it's stuck to the floor. Still trying to build up my neck muscles.

Ah Ha. My neck is working now. Showtime.

















Wow. I can raise my head really high.

What you staring at. Haven't you seen a baby before? When I figure out how to crawl, then I come over and whack you then you know.

Shit, my neck getting tired. My head about to hit the floor.

Planning what to do for the rest of today. Should I work or not? Hmmm. It's a Sunday so maybe I rest today. Fat boy can run the business on his own at least one day.

Mummy got a new bag. The current diaper bag was getting a bit tattered. I approve of the new purchase. It looks like it can hold my standard outdoor diapers and some bottles too. Color a bit yucky but I guess if I take a dump, it won't show.

This is my new chair. It's called a director's chair. I promoted myself at work. So now I'm a director so I need a director chair. As you can see it is ergonomically designed. Plus it has a food tray in case we have working lunch meetings. Very convenient.

Saturday, June 23 2007

I don't know what this stuff is. But it sure beats breast milk. Don't get me wrong. I love breast milk, but come on lah, every freaken day? It's too much lah. Even for a baby.

I just talked. Did you miss it? Ok then, let me repeat it again. G*na B8y Cha Ch1 ba1. No idea what it means, but I heard it on the street today.

Me before my nappy change. Life's not bad when you have someone to clean after your crap.

Me looking very serious. But as usual, my brain is quite empty. In fact, I think I was getting ready to drop a load in my nappy when this photo was taken.

Back off buddy. This bed belongs to me now. I'm fiercer than a guard dog you punks. Don't make me prove it. Grhh.

Just kidding lah. I'm a friendly baby. Also its not really my bed. It belongs to daddy (who happens to be behind me in the photo). I'm practicing how to swim right now.

Uncle Fat Belly is back again (he used to be called Uncle Soft Tummy) . Poor guy. He has a wife with big feet, and he has a fat belly. Life is just not fair.

Why is Auntie BF touching my crotch? She damn too much lah. I know we both women, but please lah, some decency appreciated. Grab my butt like everyone else does Einstein. That's how you hold a baby like me.

Is it just me or does Auntie BF look a bit strange. It seems like she has something in her mouth and sucking. No idea what it means. But damn, it looks disgusting whatever it is.

PS: She still holding me by my crotch too. She gonna get a bitch slap any second.

Gave Auntie BF one of my famous slaps. She is in shock right now. I hit harder than her husband.

I think she a bit ding dong. Opppsss. Maybe I slapped her too hard. Her brain still in Lah Lah.

I'm just a baby so what would I know. But don't they advise fat dudes NOT to wear horizontal stripes? Something about making the belly bulge out even more. This Uncle sure is a mountain tortoise (unlike my daddy who is a mountain lion, which is a better thing to be).

Auntie BF. What's up with her fingers? She in rigor mortis is it? Her hands looks yucky. To think she used those hands to grab my crotch today. MUMMY I want a bath pronto!